Being single in my (almost) 40s

Last month I went to Italy to visit my family and one day I was wondering in the city center of Rome, when I met an old friend. We used to hang out a lot in our 15's/18's ish, and we were part of the same group of friends, but at some points our life took different paths. So it was nice to meet him again and hear how he was doing.

We were talking about lives when, at some point, he asked me: "what about you Simona? Do you have any children?". I started mumbling something and meanwhile I was trying to find a joke to answer that, I realized that I was embarrassed at the idea of having to answer with a “no”.

When we said goodbye to each other, I started to reflect on why I felt that way. After all, in the last five years I changed a lot: I started my spiritual/healing journey, I learned a lot about myself and for the first time in my life, I started enjoying doing things on my own and really savoring my "me time".

So then, why did I feel so embarrassed in that moment?

I think that deep down, it was the idea of finding myself single, without a family in my almost 40s. Because let’s face it, lot of people at this age has children, a partner, a stable career and their own house. Which is the opposite situation for me, where I also currently decided to completely change my life plans and trying to understand how to move forward. I am aware that I have achieved a lot until now, however this situation made me wonder if there is still a part of myself that feels behind just because I can not tick all these boxes.

This made me think a lot about how much we are conditioned by our society about what is “normal” and what it isn’t - and how these narratives run so deep within us. We are indeed led to believe that we should achieve everything (the amazing job, marriage, family and a house) by the age of 40s. But what happens when things don't go this way?

I love that Carl Jung once said: “Life really does begin at 40. Up until then you are just doing research.”

I started to think about it. In fact, we are not mature enough to make big decisions in our 20s or 30s. And sometimes, what happens is that between our 40s/50s there might be, what we call, "middle life crisis", when a person decides to completely change their course of life. Of course this has often been depicted in a very negative light by our society, however what Jung says, it totally makes sense.

Because in our youth we absorb everything around us: ideas, values and beliefs. We try to give a sense of life and to answer the big questions "who am I?", "where do I belong?", "what do I want from life?". We try to search for stability, build careers, and relationships. But this is not yet the whole picture because we are still in a “preparation” period for our self-becoming and building our true self. So, when we start moving towards our 40s, a major shift slowly begins, our priorities start to change. We start to integrate different parts of ourselves, hopes, dreams and our wounds. At this point, we realize that we just want to create a life that can give us a sense of fulfillment and we no longer want to try to fit in.

Of course everyone's life path is different, some reach their highest potential earliest in life and others later on. However we should be able to celebrate both. Also, I think it is important to mention that some people might find a partner early but they might end up being stuck in unsatisfied marriages for most of their life, too afraid to leave and start all over again.

So, all of this to say, that everyone life looks different, and just because other might have what we are still looking for, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with us and we should feel less fulfilled. So for all the people out there, who, for some reason might feel behind in their life, I would like to send some words of encouragement, to keep going and trust the process and your inner voice. Because sometimes we are so determined to reach the outcome, that we miss all the beauty, the lessons and the nuances that we encounter in the journey to achieve it - which are the very elements that help us to reach our goals along the way.

So today I would like to ask to yourself:

- What is it that my heart truly desires?

- What makes me feel excited and what drains my energy?

Because it is really important to know what we want, but it is also very important to know what we don't want, so we are able to leave behind what is not longer aligned with us.

And if you ever felt embarrassed because you don't fit with the norms of our society, my advice would be to give some compassion and acceptance to that part of yourself - remembering how far you have come and all the beautiful things that you have accomplished until now.

Keep going dear one, your heart will keep whispering to you and will never fail you!

With Love,